The tough get going…For once in my life, I get it and I am going to pull it together with all my might. It was never easy finding the truth about your existence especially you found it all by yourself. I remember it was in 1992 when I finally discovered the inevitable truth. I was too young to understand, but eventually I figured a way out to break all the pieces when I was growing up. Curiousity does kill the cat, I hated myself, I wished so hard that I was never born in this world. The truth was hard on me, and it gets worst when my parents got divorced on the same year. I was devastated with it, and it changes how I see things, I grew bitter towards my parents because they robbed my childhood and left me with a big responsibility. Back then, I was told to pick side, and live with their choices. There are countless attempt of running away with my piggy bank and leave everything behind, but I didn’t. I have one responsibility to take care of, to look after, and to set an example. And I never thought of running away whenever I look at my responsibility. Also, I don’t want to be a selfish person, so I stayed. I carried my bitterness, my broken heart for the longest time. I even vowed to take vengeance because of everything, but I never did. Just because I always think of my responsibility still needed the support, I know deep down, it has the same feeling like I do but it was no comparison like mine. I was always sad with life, cried the whole time, tried my very best to share my pain to my loved ones, but that too went away. Again, another hole to patch. I’ve learned my lesson in relationship, and I started to build walls for me to not have myself feel the pain. Friends come and go, and maybe I was not good enough for them. I tried to be the very best version of myself, never to offend anyone and always tell the truth, but it never ended in a good term. I get sentenced with a silent good byes. I guessed people love to hear lies rather than the truth. And I take my shattered heart away and never to put trust on anyone so easily. My walls went up high. It gets to a point of having me to put an end to my life. Life was not easy, and everyday I drowned myself with things to put my misery away, but it has always been a temporary effect. Then I noticed, nothing is permanent.
And from that day, a heavy weight of the walls collide and it breaks through my unhappy self. I was confused at first, so I question myself. Was it the right thing to do? Will it be worth it? Do I deserve it? I may look like a crazy person talking to myself about reassurance, but it does wonders to me. I became more of a person, I enjoy healthy activities, and I offer apologies, something different but it’s a learning process. The only thing that I needed training is, on how to talk to my parents. For which I do not communicate much and ended with a harsh tone. None back down, and it gets so tiresome sometime. All I wish is for them to put things aside and for once, to think of me as a daughter, whom is getting married soon. It breaks my heart every time when this happen. I didn’t ask for anything else, not even a single cent, I’m just asking for a simple acknowledgement and a consent. How I wish for a simpler solution, but this is how it is.
So, to my biological parents, you owe me my happiness.
panicatmanic 